When copying gets really bad

We probably all know by now that almost every Indian movie is a copy of a Hollywood one. That's okay, actually, as long as you don't really screw up and misinterpret just about everything in it.

If there's one guy you can't copy, it has to be Michael Jackson. Thriller, released in 1982, was and is one of the greatest music videos of all time. Yet, somebody in India tried to rip it off. The makers of the Telegu film Kondaveeti Donga, starring Chiranjeevi and Radha. It's quite an old movie, 1985, and hence this video has been circulating for a while now, so many readers will probably already have seen it. For those who haven't, there's a treat awaiting you.

This is the original Thriller video, posted in case you haven't seen it or have simply forgotten what it's about. Copy and paste the link in a new window, and then be sure to come back.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z-TZnNXXQrI

What you just watched on Youtube is a video that revolutionized music videos. It's Michael Jackson at his best.

And now, this is India at its worst. You don't have to leave this page. All the misery in the world will unfold before your eyes.

Ever wondered why Pakistan always wanted to bomb the shit out of India?

Adeus, Minguel-bab. Deu borem korum

In a world filled with hate, we must still dare to hope. In a world filled with anger, we must still dare to comfort. In a world filled with despair, we must still dare to dream. And in a world filled with distrust, we must still dare to believe. -Michael Jackson (1959-2009)

by Nigel Britto

In the end, he was denied that final curtain call. When I received a message this morning saying that the 'King of Pop' took his final bow in a Los Angeles hospital, I couldn't believe it; I cursed at the 'irresponsible' person spreading 'malicious rumours'. Even after logging on, there was widespread confusion about who exactly it was that stated the absurd. Everyone waited, with utter disbelief, for a 'credible source' to state it, to state what they did not want to hear, to see what they did not wish to believe. Then CNN broke it, and left the world numb for a while. Truth is, he was larger than life, and such was the image the most famous man on the planet came to represent.

Everyone acknowledged that this was indeed the end of an era. His death sparked off a trail of tributes of a magnitude unmatched by the late Pope, Pavarotti and Freddie Mercury combined. One newspaper called him 'The Lead Story of popular music'. Convention was thrown to the wind as news websites relegated everything else to distant corners. Facebook reported that in the hour following his death, status traffic was thrice the average. Twitter apologized for its server malfunctioning due to massive demand. AOL topped it, "Today was a seminal moment in Internet history. We’ve never seen anything like it in terms of scope or depth." In fact, so many people wanted to verify the initial reports of his death that Google's computers branded the surge as an automated attack! Personally, never have I seen almost everybody's internet statuses relating to the same event. Only old Jacko could pull this off.

The tributes came in from far and wide, and deservedly so. At his peak, Michael Jackson was the world's greatest superstar. 750 million albums' sales, 13 Grammies and around a billion fans would vouch for that. Known as much for his bizarre fashion sense and his moonwalk as for his music, he inspired a generation. The entire music world ground to a halt, as did the internet, to remember their departed colleague. Paul McCartney said, "He was a massively talented boy man with a gentle soul. His music will be remembered forever and my memories of our time together will be happy ones." Madonna says she's so said, she can't stop crying. But it isn't just his Hollywood buddies who feel the loss. His global influence is an integral part of the rich legacy he leaves behind. In India, too, MJ will be missed. "He was an artist who inspired entire generations, made pop music what it is. I remember falling in love with music because of him. A big, big, big loss and an unsurmountable universal tragedy". The ultimate tribute from Parikrama frontman Nitin Malik.

Of course, many tributes also come from shady sources. I don't think either you or I care what David Miliband or Fall Out Boy think about the departed soul. Hugo Chavez, by the way, thinks this is 'lamentable news'. Several British politicians too expressed their condolences. The Guardian hopes they won't claim a wreath on expenses!

Like Jimi Hendrix or John Lennon, it will be impossible to decipher the full impact of Michael Jackson's contribution to modern culture. He made pop a global phenomenon. He reinvented music videos. He revolutionized music marketing. A former head of Sony Music said, "he was the cornerstone to the entire music business". A radio channel I was listening to this afternoon called him 'the greatest performer of the millenium'. Probably so. There has never been, and there is likely never to be an individual as mesmerizing as Jackson. He wasn't just a singer, but an entire entertainment package compressed into one human being. Songs like Thriller and Billy Jean will continue to remain anthems no matter who attempts to fill his void. And songs like Heal the world too are unlikely to be forgotten till the world is healed, and that doesn't seem to be happening.

His life was a circus, yet during his long journey from boy wonder to superstar to alleged paedophile to humanist, he wasn't alone; his fans (and the paparazzi, might I add) stood steadfastly by him, and he lived most of his life in the public eye he so dearly loved. Somehow he's managed to take that preference into death too. Michael Jackson would have been happy to see these images. They are the undelible mark of a genius of the highest calibre. So long, Minguel, and thank you for the music. Adeus.

Remembering Anne Frank

by Nigel Britto

Looking back at the Holocaust three-quarters of a century later, we realize just two names out of the scores involved will remain forever in our collective consciousness. One is the predatory Adolf Hitler; archetypal tyrant, symbol of intolerance, embodiment of evil, and eventually, epitome of cowardice. The second is Anne Frank. Innocent and angelic; the daughter of a Jew, thus a victim of her circumstance.

Had she not been killed in a concentration camp, she would have turned 80 today. Generations of her family would have come together to celebrate the birthday of the girl who, in life, epitomized courage and maturity; and in death, inspired, motivated and moved to tears millions of those who read her memoirs, a literary classic, a humane narrative, and the ultimate documentation of the horrors of the Holocaust.Yet, so many years later, we still think of Anne Frank as a young girl who thought, dreamed and hoped, like any other ambitious teenager, of ‘the day when she’d be able to realize her ideals’. That was not to be. A year after she wrote that, she died of Typhus in the Bergen-Belsen concentration camp in Germany.

Anne Frank was born in 1929 to Otto Frank and Edith Hollander in Frankfurt. She had an elder sister, Margot. In 1933 Otto Frank took his family moved to Amsterdam after the Nazis took over Germany. In 1940, Hitler invaded Holland, and the saga began. Anti-Semitic laws were put into effect; Jews had to be segregated, and sheltering Jews attracted the death penalty.In 1942, Otto Frank and his family hid in a secret annex of a house, Prinsengracht 263 in Amsterdam, a house which has since been immortalized. They were provided food and other necessities by Otto’s most trusted confidantes. They lived there with another family until 1944, when Nazi forces stomped their way into the house, and deported all its inhabitants to concentration camps.Till date, no one knows who betrayed the Franks. In 1945, the Bergen-Belsen concentration camp was liberated, and the world war ended. But it was too late. Anne had already left this world by then.

She got the diary on her 13th birthday, three weeks before her family went into hiding. The book was soon to become her best friend. For ‘comfort and support’, she addressed it as ‘Dear Kitty’. Anne chronicled her life in the secret annex, wrote about her family, and expressed her hopes, fears, dreams and curiosities. The diary was published in 1947 in Dutch. In 1952 it was translated to English. Since then, it has been translated into 67 languages, and sold over 31 million copies. It has sometimes been described as ‘the most widely-read book after the Bible’.

What, I believe, makes the Diary of Anne Frank so compelling is that it resonates with everyone who reads it. She didn’t only write about persecution and prejudice. She also wrote about sexuality, relationships, and her hopes for world peace. Instead of brooding over the sound of gunfire and bombs, she chose to find hope in nature. “I hear the approaching thunder that, one day, will destroy us too”, she wrote. “I feel the suffering of millions. And yet, when I look up at the sky, I somehow feel that everything will change for the better, that this cruelty too shall end, that peace and tranquility will return once more”. Her readers like to quote the diary’s most famous line. “Despite everything, I believe that people are really good at heart", she wrote. "I simply can’t build up my hopes on a foundation consisting of confusion, misery and death”.

When the world was still trying to figure out the Holocaust, along came this book. She was an extraordinary writer, for any age. The lessons are timeless. She launched her entire personality into her little project, and a personality, unlike an era, can be related to. She portrayed, with spellbinding eloquence, a reality that once existed, and draws us into it. She showed us what it’s like to be a prisoner of war, to escape death everyday. She described her existence in excruciating detail. She showed us the consequences of prejudice, well prevalent even today, and how far astray it can lead us. She taught us that ‘whoever is happy will make others happy too’. She put a face to genocide, she put a face to hope.

She aspired to be a writer. Toward the end of her life, she wrote, “If God lets me live, I will work for humankind. I want to do good in this world, and I want to write… Will I ever be able to write something great, will I ever become a journalist or a writer?”Sixty-five years after her death, she lives, and millions will testify that her dreams as a writer have been fulfilled beyond her wildest imagination. Happy Birthday, Anne Frank.

Pablo: A state of mind

Many years ago, a little boy from the Spanish city of Seville asked his father, 'cuándo voy a ser la edad suficiente para hacer lo que quiero'. His dad looked at him for a moment. 'No lo sé. Nadie ha vivido tanto tiempo aún', the bespectacled Mr.Garcia replied. His 6-year-old son, Pablo, looked at him with sorrow in his eyes. But in that sorrow was determination. 'Tarde o temprano, voy a hacer lo que quiero. Callate', he thought to himself.

He was an ambitious kid. He realized his true potential when once, in school, he managed to divide an integer by zero. His baffled teachers, of course, dismissed him as a jerk. A few years later, in biology class, the teacher, Fernanda, was explaining Darwin's theory of evolution. Pablo stood up. 'No hay teoría de la evolución. Sólo hay una lista de criaturas que me han permitido vivir'. Fernanda told Pablo to shut up. Pablo gave his teacher an icy stare, and walked out of the class, slamming the revolving door on his way out.

That was the last time Pablo set foot in a classroom. Of course, for a person who has counted to infinity twice, a classroom wasn't necessary. He set about writing his first book, 'Diario de Pablo' at the age of 10. Well, he didn't have to write it, actually. The words assembled themselves out of fear. Due to unfortunate circumstances, the book never saw the light of day. The manuscript was stolen from Pablo's house by Leslie, an Indian thief and rapist who came to Spain looking for booty. Pablo knew, but didn't mind. I asked Pablo about it as we sat chatting in his modest home. "Perdonar es establecer un preso libre y descubrir que el detenido fue usted".

He learnt about forgiveness long ago, as a kid. "Cuando yo era un niño solía rezar cada noche para una nueva bicicleta. Entonces me di cuenta de que el Señor no funciona de esa manera lo que me robaron una y le pedíque me perdone". In any case, Pablo believes in sharing. Life, information, knowledge. "Una vela no pierde nada por otro la iluminación de velas", he says. One thing Pablo really believes in is sharing information. He does that in a big way on his website.
He then took a sip of his coffee. Water actually. He ground the coffee with his teeth and boiled the water with his own rage.

Everyone fears him, as does this writer. When I was waiting for him in his rather dark study, I wondered if would get out alive. No one ever wants to be near Pablo when he's angry. The tales of his fury are legendary in his neighbourhood. Well, not just his neighbourhood. Intelligence sources say that Pablo features as the binding reason for several of NASA's space expeditions. Infact, Richard Branson's interest in space, including his travels there, stem from the fact that they fear being on the same planet as Pablo.

As I was waiting in fear, he came in. He didn't switch the lights on. He switched the darkness off. Infact, legend has it that he invented the colour black. Actually, he invented VIBGYOR, the entire spectrum. Not pink, though. Brad Pitt invented Pink.

Serial killers

A Serial Killer is a person who kills several people one after the other, seemingly in a random fashion. However, all of the killer’s victims share a common trait – usually they have activated some psychological trigger in the killer’s mind, or they have similar physical appearances.

Many serial killers are found to have come from a dysfunctional family. Often they may suffer from complex emotions such as feeling inadequate or worthless. Some of them kill compulsively due to power or sexual urges. Most of these serial killers have a rich imaginary life where they are superior and powerful, women are attracted to them and they are successful people.

Here is a list of famous Serial Killers: Men:

Jack the Ripper: Responsible for the murders of prostitutes from the Whitechapel Area of London in 1888, Jack the Ripper’s identity is yet unknown. His victims were prostitutes and they were brutally murdered and some of their internal organs were surgically removed by the killer.

Ed Gein: He was a famous serial killer and proved to be an inspiration for Thomas Harris for creating the famous character of Hannibal Lecter in "The Silence of the Lambs". Ed Gein would skin his victims, exhume corpses and then decorate his home with parts of their bodies and use the skin to make clothes and furniture items. He died on the 26th of July, 1984 in a mental institution.

The Zodiac Killer: He was responsible for five known murders in North Carolina in the 1960s. His identity remains unknown till date. He would target men and women between the ages of 16 and 29 and would leave a taunting sign of a crosshair like symbol in subsequent letters to the Police Department. A few of his cryptic messages are still not de-coded.

Charles Manson: This serial killer has re-defined evil. He was the leader of a hippie cult in San Francisco called as "The Family" formed around 1967. Members were mostly men and women who were rebelling against their parents and in deep emotional trouble. He used drugs and convinced them to go on killing rampages to rob the wealthy to provide for "The Family". They would then write messages soaked in the blood of the victims on the walls of the house.

Ted Bundy: One of the most notorious serial killers in history, he was responsible for the rape and murder of several women between 1974 and 1978. An educated and charming young man, he either raped and then killed the women or killed and then raped them. His method of killing was either by strangulation or by bludgeoning the women. He was arrested on the 16th of August, 1975, but escaped within 17 hours of his capture. He was subsequently arrested on the 15th of February, 1978. On the 24th of January, 1989, Ted Bundy was sent to the electric chair.

David Berkowitz: Known as the "Son of Sam", he was responsible for killing six women and wounding several others in shootings using a .44 caliber pistol in the 1970s in New York City. He was arrested by the Police on the 10th of August, 1977 outside his apartment in New York.

Here is a list of Famous Female Serial Killers:

Mary Ann Cotton: She was an English Serial Killer and had killed more than 20 people, including her own children, by using arsenic and then collected their insurance money. She was hanged on the 24th of March, 1873 at the Durham County Jail.

Marybeth Tinning: Working as a nurse’s aide, she was notorious for having killed nine of her own children by strangulating them and taking them to the hospital almost dead. She went un-noticed by the hospital authorities for a very long time, since they thought that these deaths were a genetic problem in the family. When she brought her adopted son to the hospital in an unconscious state, and he was later declared to be dead, the doctors began to suspect foul play. She was convicted on the 17th of July, 1987 and was sentenced to life imprisonment.

Nannie Doss: Also known as the "Giggling Granny" she was responsible for the killing of 11 people between 1920 and 1954. Her victims included her two sisters, her mother, a grandson, a nephew and her four husbands. She was sentenced to life imprisonment in 1955 and died 10 years later of leukemia.

Belle Gunness: Born in 1859, her whereabouts still unknown, she was responsible for the killings of more than 20 suitors and all of her children. Belle was also famous for burning down houses and collecting insurance money for the property and for her dead husbands. Later on, she progressed to placing an advertisement for a husband in a newspaper and luring prospective suitors to her home and killing them. She would bury the bodies in her farm and hog pen.

Dorothea Puente: In 1988, this 60 year old woman was sentenced to serve two terms of life imprisonment for the murders of at least 9 people. She would run a boarding house for elderly disabled people, and rob them of their benefit money. She would also kill them and keep on taking the government benefits by forging their checks.

Aileen Wuornos: An American Serial Killer, she was a prostitute and was put to death by lethal injection on the 9th of October, 1992. She was charged with killing seven men, who she claimed (attempted to) rape her while she was working as a prostitute.

How good is your Hindi, eh, rockers?

Imagine a world where all the great bands had their names in Hindi. This is what a few of them would sound like. How many can you identify?

भृंग
तुम भी
बंदूकों और गुलाब के फूल
आभारी मृत लोग
मख़मली भूमिगत
गुलाबी Floyd
ठंडा खेल
रानी
दरवाज़े
कौन
ZZ ऊपर
मोती जाम
ख़ौफ़नाक जलग्रीवा
लाल गर्म मिर्च मिर्च
मशीन के खिलाफ जुनून
सपना थिएटर
झपट
उपकरण
मेरी रासायनिक प्यार
मंगल के लिए 30 सेकंड
हत्यारा
काले विश्रामदिन
उक़ाब
बिच्छू
बहरा तेंदुआ
सभी आदमी भाइयों
विश्वसनीयता साफ पानी के पुनरुद्धार
बैंगनी गहरी
हाँ
चुंबन
लोहे के प्रथम
मृत्यु
मोटर सिर
यहूदा पुजारी
पंचमेल चालक दल
जंजीरों में ऐलिस
भुट्टा
एक नीचे की प्रणाली
नरभक्षक लाश
आग में
बड़ी दुश्मन
रात की इच्छा
काली आँख मटर
उद्धार का दर्द
टसेपेल्लिन नेतृत्व
मज़हब
बेंजामिन तोड़ने
मांस का कंद
तीन दरवाजे नीचे
विदेशी चींटी खेत
प्यारी के लिए मौत टैक्सी
अपने वेलेंटाइन के लिए गोली
हरे रंग का दिन
जिमी दुनिया खा
माचिस बीस
ऑडियो दास
झपकी 182
कौवा गिनती
सम्प्रदाय
डैशबोर्ड इकबालिया
Foo सेनानियों
कचरा
मल मल गुड़िया
राजाओं लियॉन की
जीवन घर
विचार
कोई शक नहीं
शाद्वल
वंशज
गिरावट का कवि
अमेरिका के राष्ट्रपति
कद्दू विनाशकर
बर्फ गश्ती
तीसरी आँख अंधा

iTimes user review

The Times Group’s much-talked-about social networking site, which has been in the air for sometime now, finally made an unimpressive landing. I got to know about it after all TOI’s city-specific supplements (Bombay Times, Goa Times, bla bla) carried it as their front page lead. Having being told about a coming ‘renaissance’ in the social networking circuit, I read the article with mild interest. By the end of it, the interest was gone; yet I decided to try it out (for want of something better to do).

First of all, the name. Remember when Hyundai launched the Sonata in India? Everyone said that the company shamelessly borrowed styling cues from bigger marques (front from the Mercedes-Benz C-class and rear from the Jaguar S). The Times Group seems to have done a Hyundai here. The name iTimes seems a direct copy of the 'uber-sophisticated' iTunes brand. And what better way to make your brand ‘cool’ than coloring the letters like Google? That’s the logo for you. Lowercase I (which probably follows from TOI’s genius initiative of replacing the standard first-person pronoun in their Editorial page) followed by a very colorful t.u.n.e.s. With a teeny-weeny Beta written underneath (Read: if something fucks up here, we ain’t responsible for it).

On top of the screen, there’s an option, ‘Make iTimes your homepage’. Hah! I’d rather make George Bush my hero. Also there’s a rolling bar that says ‘most popular profiles’ where some pictures of pretty girls in clichéd dp poses stare at you. Nothing new in that, though. Aren’t you tired of that kind of marketing? I am.

While signing in, the impolite website stubbornly asks you which year you were born in. But that’s the only goof-up there. The rest of the sign-up is smooth. It will send you a verification mail. Click, click, click, then you’re in.

Once in, I was dismayed at the goofiness of it all. Absolute clutter. Tabs, menus and options. To the right, there’s a ‘make new friends’ menu, and another called ‘browse profiles’ (The two names flashing there were Wafa Haji and Lavanya Ball) . Of course, all these prospective friends are women, as usual. Why, though? What if I’m gay?

To the left, there’s a ‘Buzzmeter’ box, which wonders why some SHWETA chick is getting so many views for her profile. Then there’s a tab called ‘Your day’, which contains your horoscope and the weather. iTunes says I should be expecting a high of 23 degrees and low of 8 degrees. Sigh. I wish. I so wish.

Then the horoscope tab. This one was good, since it was the first time I’d seen a website-specific horrorscope. “Don't worry about whether or not you're seeing everything as it really is -- the world is full of veils and illusions today. If you can enjoy the show, that's probably as good as it's going to get.” Veils and illusions indeed.

To the right of the screen, there’s a ‘celeb’s profile’ tab. Of the first four celebs that flashed, I hadn’t heard of any, so no point wasting time there.

In the edit profile tab, nothing new. Just copied attributes from Orkut/Facebook, etc. The favourites tab gets a bit ridiculous though. It asks you for your favourite everything, from possessions to swear words. Blah.

Nothing more in the site worth mentioning. Of course, there are blogs, feeds, messages, videos, etc whatever Facebook, Orkut and Hi5 already have. Ok, one interesting feature. When you scroll right to the bottom, there’s an option that says ‘go to top’. Hah! Now that’s innovation. Facebook didn’t think of that.

Ok, so that’s iTimes for you. Of course, I didn’t have the patience to check out every available feature. There are too many of them, but nothing original. Almost as if the iTimes team didn't know where to stop.

So, a final review wrapup, from a user’s point of view: Overall a neat site, but that’s about it. Nothing new, nothing innovative (apart from that button at the bottom, of course). Certainly not for you if you’re used to Facebook and the like. If you’re the kind that sends out franship requests to random people and stuff like I want to make the franship with the you will you please the be my cool friend, you’ve found what you’re looking for. It’s got precisely that kind of ambience.

One thing’s still worrying me though. I’m yet to figure out how to get out of the site for good.

Go iTimes. A genetically-modified apple a day keeps your sanity away.

Avrilian Analysis

As we've seen and heard, totally pointless and stupid lyrics are not alien to us. But the undisputed queen of bad lyrics is Avril Lavigne. This is one of her most popular songs. When I listened to it, a lotta questions popped in my mind. So I decided to jot them down.

I'm with you

I'm standin' on the bridge (Great. What next? Hurry up, no coast guard around)
I'm waitin' in the dark, (Even if they are, they won't see you!)
I thought that you'd be here, by now. (Err. Who?)

Theres nothing but the rain, (Thank Heavens for that)
no footsteps on the ground, (Yay!)
Im listening, but there's no sound. (Er. But what about the rain? Are you deaf?)

Isn't anyone tryin' to find me? (Nope… definitely not!)
Won't somebody come take me home. (Ewwww. You must be kiddin! We hate rats!)

Chorus:
It's a damn cold night, (Sheh men! Who would have thought?)
Tryin' to figure out this life, (The fact that you're on a bridge in the dark means you've already failed?)
Won't you take me by the hand,
Take me somewhere new, (The mental hospital cool with you?)
I don't know who you are but I,
I'm with you.
I'm with you.(Who, again?! Have you been kidnapped?! Yay!)

I'm lookin' for a place, (Aha! IPHB)
I'm searchin' for a face, (You definitely lost yours after Girlfriend, dincha?)
Is anybody here I know, (No one would dare admit it, anyways)
Cause' nothin's goin right, (I can see that)
And everything's a mess, (Well, you definitely are))
And no one likes to be alone. (Ahh. And what about the person you didn't know whom you were with??!)

Isn't anyone tryin' to find me? (Again, no)
Won't somebody come take me home. (hahahaha. As Dickens would say, Great expectations)

Chorus:
It's a damn cold night,
Tryin' to figure out this life, (Stilll???!!! Thought you would be done by now! :( )
Won't you take me by the hand, (Hand? Naah. Maybe a leash, if I HAD to)
Take me somewhere new, ( :) There's a lot of new places if you'd only jump over your bridge!)
I don't know who you are but I,
I'm with you. I'm with you. (Not again, please… Shit! is that you, Fred?)
Yaeah (:| )

Oh, why is everything so confusing, (No no, Avril, it's just you)
Maybe I'm just out of my mind, (BIINNGGOOOOOOO!!!!!! Finally!! :) )
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah ( Happy realization!)

Chorus:
It's a damn cold night
Tryin to figure out this life (After these atrocious lyrics, so am I)
Won't you take me by the hand
Take me somewhere new (Heeeeee)
I don't know who you are but I,
I'm with you
I'm with you (Hey but wait. If it's both dark and silent (apart from the fact that you're alone), how do you deduce that there's someone with you?! Megalomania? Eh! Screw you man. I'm wasting time listening to you :( )

'New Year celebrations superficial'

(This article first appeared on the Times of India dated 1/1/2009, on Page 2 of the Goa edition)

Camurlim resident Lourdes Conceicao Lobo, who is celebrating her 100th New Year, takes a walk down memory lane and tells Nigel Britto how the world has changed

Camurlim: The walls at her home hint at a remarkable journey. Although freshly painted, the monotony of the bright yellow takes a break with various pictures and portraits from different decades of the previous century, many of which were put up by the lady herself. Among the many tapestries is a papal blessing, a parchment sealed and autographed by the late Pope John Paul II.

While liberated Goa celebrates its 48th New Year on Thursday, Lourdes Conceicao Lobo of Camurlim, Bardez, celebrates her 100th. Talking to the centenarian in her living room, she doesn't appear hundred; her voice, quivering with age, is soft as she switches between English, Konkani and Portuguese when the English word fails to capture her thought.

For the hundredth time, she will celebrate the occasion with her family. Just as she has done since 1908. Looking up from her newspaper in response to a question, she takes the opportunity to stress the importance of family get-togethers. "Christmas and Easter, especially, are family feasts, to be celebrated by the family," says the feisty woman, who was born decades before Mario Puzo raised the status of blood-ties to an iconic level with his series of novels set in the Italian hinterland.

Back to the newspaper. She loves them, according to the two daughters she lives with, and can't survive without them. "Since I have free time, I first go through the obituaries, so I can pray for the dead," she says, matter-of-factly. (Her patron saint, incidentally, is St Joseph, patron of a happy death.)

There's one major difference though, according to her, which distinguishes life in the early 1900s with that today. "It's rotten today. Human beings are rotten!" she emphasizes acerbically. "There is no love, no unity. Read the papers, they're full of murder, rape, suicide and other crimes," says Lobo, who has seen the inside a hospital only at the birth of her four children.

She reminisces, "Look at how we built our houses in the past," she says, gesturing at the Indo-Portuguese styled house she has lived in since 1963. "There were no robberies the way there are now. We could live our lives in peace, without fear. These days, people are driven by fear hence they build grilled prisons for themselves," she says, referring to modern urban architecture.

The centenarian also rues the decline of the family as a unit. "There isn't any unity now! We see around us broken families, broken homes. Parents don't look after children and correspondingly, kids don't look after their parents. These kind of things were an extreme rarity last century," says this grandmother of six who has lived through both world wars.

Another missing aspect is the respect for your fellowmen. "Youth no longer have any respect for elders. When I was young, we used to respect and seek blessings from older people. Now, that respect is reserved only for money," she declares scathingly, before continuing in the same vein, "People don't even have time for the Rosary (family or community prayer). They only have time to gossip!"

At hundred, this St Joseph devotee is one of the oldest living people in Goa. "No secret to a long life," she says. "Just the Will of God." And she believes that she has the perfect solution to the present mess our society is in. It's the same philosophy Jesus preached two millennia ago. "Love God, and love thy neighbour," she says, with a twinkle in her eye.

To party or not to party?

This article first appeared on the Sunday Times of India, December 21, 2008, on Page 6 of the Goa edition.

When rumours began doing the rounds that the state government might ban beach parties during the incendiary days around Christmas and New Year
this year, many citizens heaved a sigh of relief.

The (pseudo)intellectuals said that clamping down on the fun (at the cost of our economy) is not the solution. Even the state government, which, before Saturday's ban, had been masquerading behind the dubious facade of "Oh, it's about tourism and economy", seemed to back that view.

But on Thursday, one Collector imposed a ban on beach parties. The sigh of relief again. May be this was one sign that our kiddy administration was maturing? By evening that day, however, the ban was lifted. "This is damaging the state and the tourism sector," Digu had said. A sigh again. Not of relief, though. The one of relief turned out to be the audacity of hope.

On Friday, Digu said the party's on. On Saturday, it was not. At the time of writing this piece, Digu had effected the ban. Another flip-flop on the cards? Read Monday's edition.

In the aftermath of the carnage in neighbouring Mumbai, many people realized that life is indeed the most important asset of all.

On 26,27/11, the rich and poor together were reduced to mere targets in the terrorists' crosshairs. In the days that followed, Mumbaikars thronged the streets in protest, criticizing the establishment, yet grateful to be left alive. Around the country and the world, people talked of protecting life, resulting in two bills in that context that were passed in Parliament. There are talks of National Security Guard (NSG) units being set up around the country. But in Goa, things are different.

Who cares if a few people die? Actually, who cares if locals die? Apparently, nobody. Certainly not our government. Why did it act confused for so long before effecting the ban? The answer, my friend, is blowing in the wind. It's the economy. With the ban', the message is clear: Please spare the semi-nude tattooed firangs who throng our shores, respected terrorists, will ya! Because Atithi Devo Bhava (guest is god), right?

The promoters of the year's biggest beach party, Sunburn, Indivibe (which is now incidentally cancelled following the ban'), on December 14 sent a text message advertizing that the Goa government extended full support and security' to their trance/techno festival. However, sources in the police department later admitted that they applied for security only on December 18.

What then made the organizers of Sunburn so sure of government cooperation? Because, the government psyche is apparently predictable; it's that time of the year. Eat, drink, and make merry. While our ministers and the higher echelons of society have their protection, many nightclubs too now have claimed police protection.

While the police made it clear that there should be a ban on beach parties, many in the state government didn't seem to think it was necessary (what suddenly changed the chief pendulum's mind, we do not know as of now).

The government doesn't seem to get it that when it comes to a terror threat, it is absolutely imperative to take any and ALL precautionary measures to prevent a rerun, for example, of what happened in Mumbai recently. The slightest intelligence input should have been sufficient to effect this ban on beach parties immediately.

During the Mumbai attacks, even when prior intelligence reports hinted at a possible jehadi attack, no one really cared. In fact,even after the attacks, it took a good few hours to pass before security agencies got their feet moving. Why are we so indifferent in Goa? Why is it so easy to carry a bag into the police headquarters unchecked? Why are we begging so desperately for a Goa edition of 26/11?

It is in the best of state's interests that the government has banned all beach parties, irrespective of their location and prior permissions, if any.

Incidentally, several citizens might also find their businesses dropping, but tackling the terror menace calls for extremely tough measures that are bound not to please everyone. Prevention is better than cure. Reading my history books however, I haven't found an instance of cure' yet.

Dilly-dallying on critical issues is not alien to Goa. It was done with regional plans, Special Economic Zones (SEZ), etc. Those issues however, are merely' economic. This one concerns life and death. And government apathy will simply not do in this case. It needs to decide with conviction whether security or economy takes top priority (not only in December, but throughout the year).

Any terrorist would love the Goa government for its confusion, indecisiveness and indifference. Though the TOI had obtained a copy of a letter by chief secretary J P Singh that stated that Goa was on the al-Qaida radar, the government fell over themselves later denying the report. The letter of the inspector general of police (IGP), too, was hotly denied. Digu promised Goa that there is nothing to worry about. Churchill Alemao and Jose Philip D'Souza too joined the No Fear' bandwagon. No more.

For now, everyone believes there is indeed a reason to fear. For now.

Credit: The Times of India

Step aside Bushisms, Obamaisms are here

It's hardly been two weeks since Barack Obama's election as the 44th president of the United States, but the transition is already apparent. From George W Bush's malapropisms, which have famously come to be referred to as 'Bushisms', it's now Obama's turn to face the music by acerbic netizens. Obama-related humour is being updated online on an almost hourly basis as the term 'Obamaism' gradually gains prominence.

Behind the skinny guy with a funny name and an improbable life story, as he described himself, is a man just as prone to gaffes as his famous predecessor. Even before his official swearing-in ceremony, he's already opened his account in the dictionary of presidential bloopers.

The user-defined dictionary Urbandictionary has words like Obama baby (A child conceived after Obama was proclaimed President by way of celebratory sex), Obamanation (like abomination, the state of the country after he is elected president) and Obamaphile (A person with an incessant preference, sometimes sexual attachment to all people, things, or ideas related to Barack Obama). Of course, obamaphilia normally leads to the obamaphile having an obamagasm. But these are not the only ones. Thanks to a nation full of 'Barackheads' and 'Obamaniacs', the website has clocked hundreds of unique user-created definitions.

An online magazine, Slate, has gone a step further. Earlier this year, it launched Encyclopaedia Baracktannica, which keeps its patrons updated with the latest Obamaisms.

And Barack has done it himself too. Almost 5 months before the presidential election, he introduced his running mate, Joseph Biden, as the 'next President - the next vice-President of the United States of America'. Freudian slip? At a campaign event at Oregon, Obama told the crowd, "I've been in 57 states — I think one left to go". Incidentally, the Organization of the Islamic Conference has 57 member states. He was tired, his fans said, and dismissed the incident.

Even before he rose to international prominence and came to terms with its consequential pressures, he wasn't immune. The Associated Press reports that during a Kansas campaign, he said, "In case you missed it, this week, there was a tragedy in Kansas. Ten thousand people died, an entire town destroyed." The tragedy he spoke about was a spate of tornadoes that ripped Kansas in 2007. The actual death toll was 12.

In Amman, Jordan, on July 22 this year during the height of his campaign, he stated with absolute conviction that Israel was a friend of Israel's. "It (Israel) will be a strong friend of Israel's under a McCain..administration. It will be a strong friend of Israel's under an Obama administration."

But while Obamaisms are picking up, his predecessor is in no mood to let go. Commenting on the liquidity in the markets, George Bush said, "This thaw — took a while to thaw, it's going to take a while to unthaw".

"Obama's election is great for our country but bad for comedy", wrote Michael Musto, a columnist in an American daily. Bushisms may be hard to beat, but if the internet is anything to go by, Obamaisms are getting there.

Musical jargon decoded

• A Flat - Cheap accomodation Goans in Mumbai look for.
• A Minor - Statutory rape. You know what I'm talking about.
• Alto - A singer who's afraid of heights / A Maruti car.
• B Flat – What a bee becomes after an elephant walks over it.
• Bach - The sound a dog makes.
• Bar - Place to buy a drink
• Baroque - Penniless Blue
• Note - Rs10 bill
• Cello – A pen
• Chopin - What you have to do with firewood/mutton
• Chorale - Place where horses hang out
• Chords - Little bits of string or rope
• Clarinet - Mr Net's daughter Clari
• Conductor – A qualified bus cleaner waving a stick at the orchestra
• Semi-conductor – A not-so-qualified bus cleaner doing the same…
• Crotchet - A type of needlework
• Cymbals - Little pictures that mean things
• Da Capo - A type of coffee
• Diatonic - A low fat drink
• Double bass – Johnny Cash’s voice.
• Fret - To get upset
• Guitar – The holy book of the hindus
• Bass Guitar - Holy book for only-just-Hindus
• Handel – What you pull to open the door.
• Lute - What Goan politicians are after.
• Lyre - George Bush.
• Major Key - A commander in the Chinese army
• Measure - Amount of alcohol Midi - A small glass of beer
• Mozart - Mosquito's paintings
• Opera - An American Talk Show Host
• Pitch - The black stuff they put on roads
• Quaver – What you get at the thought of listening to Himesh.
• Scale – What Edmund Hillary did to Mt Everest.
• Sharp - Pointy
• Sonata - Frank. . .'My way''
• Staff - A big stick
• Symphony - To feel sad for someone
• Triad – Brahma, Krishna, Indra
• Trombone - Attached to the thigh bone
• Trumpet – A rummy version of checkmate

A tribute to George Carlin, 1937-2008

My depression on seeing Italy knocked out of Euro 2008 'deepens' as I realize with shock that I'll never be able to fulfill a lifelong dream of seeing this crazy maniac performing live. I've read and heard about what an overwhelming experience a George Carlin live show could be, and the realization that I'll never get to attend one is almost killing. This is my tribute to the greatest comedian of all time (I don't care what Russell Peters, Jeff Dunham or Pablo Francisco fans think) . Enjoy it... (Carlin would have said, enjoy it, but if you don't wanna, then f*** yourself)

The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A Death! What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating...

- (attributed to) George Carlin

It was hardly eight months ago that, on this very same blog, I wrote a tribute to Maestro Luciano Pavarotti, a musical genius in every sense of the word, who loved what he did, brought a lot of heart to the heartless music industry, and most of all, tried in his limited capacity to make this world a better place. Now I talk about someone who wasn't that easy to love. Even so, George Carlin should be admired for his work as a comedian and for being one of the greatest linguists I, for one, have seen so far.

Of course, the most ironic part about George Carlin dying is that he would most probably hate the very idea of an unknown Indian admirer writing a tribute about him. Not that he was racist in any sense of the word, but let's just say that George didn't seem like the kind of guy who would appreciate tributes. Yet, I feel the need to, because of how often I find myself quoting him! Day after day, week after week, for sure not a month goes by without me quoting Carlin in some context or the other. My favorite Carlin quote?

"When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day," I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?"

I misremember the number of times I've quoted Carlin's reply to the rather annoying statement that precedes it. Of course, there are some of his statements that are not funny, but make you think. "What if there were no hypothetical questions?" As well as philosophical statements, such as "I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it." In a video, he said that at the end of a conversation, he never did say goodbye. Instead he said, "May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house." There are a lot of people and websites who quote him for writing the Federal Communications Commissions rules on words you can't say on TV. The very fact that those seven words are immortalized throughout the world wide web means that George's impact goes beyond comedy clubs and movies.

George Carlin was born a Catholic, and he remained that way until he reached the age of reason. He grew up in Harlem in New York, the black culture capital of the world. And as a kid, he claims to have played in the Hudson river, a time when it was filled with raw sewage. He says, "At that time, the big fear was polio, thousands of kids died from polio, but in my area, no one ever got polio, no one. You know why? Because we swam in the Hudson river. We were tempered in raw shit." Surprisingly to some, Carlin was a member of the air force. He was also a disc jockey too before getting into mainstream comedy. He would perform in the Ed Sullivan Show and The Tonight Show.

Little later, the mainstream Carlin faded into oblivion, and the new Carlin emerged, the Carlin we would always remember. A Carlin who was angry with the evils of society and had no qualms admitting it. He defied the quintessential comedian look and dressed in faded jeans and grew his hair and goatee. In 1972, Carlin acquired world-wide fame for his 'seven dirty words' . Carlin hosted the first ever edition of Saturday Night Live.

In the next couple of decades, Carlin suffered heart-attacks, but would still come up with amazing live acts of astounding humour. (I'm aware of the double adjectives, but he deserves it). My personal Carlin favorite is his 'Jammin in New York' gig, where he talks about the War in the Persian gulf, little everyday things, and my all-time favorite, "Airline announcements". If you haven't seen it, stop reading this and go watch it now.

The first time I ever heard Carlin was a few years ago, when I was around 15. I later followed his art closely. I've seen almost all his specials on some video or the other. His command over the English language and its usage was second to none in his field. If I had posted previously in this blog that my biggest regret was not being able to personally meet Pavarotti, it's closely seconded by the fact that I will never see Carlin live.

On 6th Sept 2007, Luciano Pavarotti passed away. I cannot believe George Carlin is dead. My favorite singer and now my favorite comedian have died not even a year apart. I probably will be reminded of Carlin regularly since I have the habit of using his quotes in everyday dialogue (to people who would understand them, of course). I wish I had Carlin's linguistic skills, because this piece would have come out far better than what you're reading. Carlin swore a real lot in his shows, but swearing doesn't make you funny. It's Carlin's unusual gift of connecting and identifying with his fans that made him so popular among his audiences, which I must say have remained an exclusive set. No other comedian has any business being mentioned in the same breath as Carlin.

During the last few years, many famous people have died. I would know how wonderful Russert, Yasser Arafat, Syndey Pollack, etc would be to their fans and admirers. But for me, Pavarotti's and Carlin's deaths hit the most. If I said Carlin is smiling in heaven right now, it would probably be a lie, since Carlin didn't believe in Jesus Christ, and anyway, it would go against everything he believed (or rather didn't believe).

Thanks to the fear of aging in this country, as I grow older, I won't have to die! I'll pass away, or I'll expire, like a magazine subscription. If that happens at a hospital, they'll call it the terminal episode. The insurance company would call it 'negative patient care outcome', and if it was as a result of malpractice, they'd call it a therapeutic misadventure.
- George Carlin

So, Carlin is now dead, at age 71. No one will or can ever replace him. If anyone dared to try, he would be a cheap imitation of a comedic masterpiece. Summarizing his life and death is something I'm woefully unequipped to do. Only Carlin's words could possibly end this tribute.

"I wanna live. I don't wanna die. That's the whole meaning of life: Not dying! I figured that shit out by myself in the third grade."

RIP, George Carlin, and thanks for the laughs. Your memory lives on...

A tale of two murders

On a day when the only Scarlet should have been the color of Jesus' robe, the newspapers have done it again.

Yes another day full of Scarlet-related front-page stories. I just happened to be reading the Hindu the other day. (For the unitiated, the Hindu is South India's best newspaper). I came across this.
http://www.hindu.com/2008/03/12/stories/2008031260521200.htm

"Tourist woman murdered in Goa"
A woman tourist from Gujarat was found strangled to death at a city hotel on Tuesday.

According to police, Hema Sodha (25) had on Sunday checked in, accompanied by her “husband” Jannat Sodha.

On Tuesday morning the hotel staff, finding that the couple had not checked out, opened the room with the master-key and saw the woman strangled in the bathroom.

Is this murder any less heinous than Scarlet's? Nope, I don't think so. But it hasn't made the headlines. Why?

1. This hotel in Panaji is owned by a prominent citizen who will lose business if these details are published. It is not a temporary shack which can change its name and continue next year under a pseudonym.

2. Gujarathis are Indian citizens. Gujarat doesn't have a High Commission or Consulate to promote their cause as a diplomatic move.

3. The Gujarathi community has not made any noise yet.

And Most Importantly,

There were no photographs of the victim in semi-nude attire made available, those which would hold viewer attention, and those which could be published on front page to sell our consumer-driven newspapers. ALso, there were no lurid details about sex, drugs, rape. All said and done, a 25 year old woman is not the same as a 15 year old girl. The 25 year old woman was not white, a race we Indians seem to have an obsession with.

The press coverage of the Scarlet Johannsen episode has been disappointing. The Navhind Times has been changing its statement everyday. Ditto with other newspapers.

How many remember Gregory Fernandes? The Goan sailor who was murdered in the UK. Did the British and Indian press take up the issue with such enthusiasm then? Nope. So why should we Goans care about all this irresponsible white thrash that comes here, openly flouts the law, develops their own absurd code of ethics, (Scarlet's mom reportedly had 8 children with 5 different men, and also slit the throat of one such man.) and finally manages to get herself/themselves killed? Is this the kind of tourism we are promoting?

And why is it so surprising? The British media has absurdly asked why Scarlett was not in school. Let's take a ride to Anjuna and see how many firangs there can spell school. The only word with c,h,o and l they know is alcohol. Amen.

Goa should seriously reconsider its tourism-promotion strategy. This is not the kind of tourism that makes a place famous. If you wanna come here and live on the wild side, you're gonna have to be prepared to meet the animals.

Go Goa, 365 days on a Holiday.

(Inputs from Miguel Braganza)

Announcement

This was an announcement on IndiaTV that Bollywoon superstar Saif Ali Khan would be jamming with Delhi-based rock group Parikrama.

These are the actual words:
"Saif jaane-maane group PARIKRAMA ke saath milke mashoor pop bands jaise AC/DC aur DEEP PURPLE ke gaane bajayenge. Saif heavy metal instruments se ye gaane bajayenge !!"

*Sigh*

Well does life get any better
More yesterday than today
How I thought the sun would shine tomorrow
But it rained . . .

The most annoying songs of all time.

The panel of experts: Andrea (left) and Nigel (right)

The most annoying songs of all time.
- List jointly compiled by Andrea Fernandes and Nigel Britto

So we keep grumbling about how annoying certain songs are, the tunes just stick in your head, make you wanna scream, induce suicidal tendencies, etc. Of course, you know what I'm talking about. So in the evening of 4th February 2008, two exceedingly bored individuals, Andrea and Nigel, decided to do a service to humanity, a kind never done before. We decided to create a list of the most annoying songs... EVER! The reason I stressed the word 'ever' is because nowadays, almost every song that comes out is just a bunch of random notes strung together in cacophonous disorder and chaos. But these songs normally come and go just as fast. The songs on this list are those that have been here for sometime now, as well as the most suicide inducing of modern musical marvels. If YOUR most annoying song is not here already, please leave it as a comment. In no particular order, here goes:

Soul Ja Boy - Crank that
Lyrics excerpt:
“Nope you can’t do it like me/ So don’t do it like me/ I seen you tryin’ to do it like me/ Man, that dance was ugly,”
(Sounds like a 3rd standard playground taunt)

Worse than Global Warming and twice as annoying. To me, the most annoying song of all time. Shameless self-promotion. He includes his name in his song's titles for those of us only read track listings. What a gentleman! In addition, he also has affixed an instructional dance to his megahit, keeping in tune with the tradition of preceding pieces of musical crap like Macarena, Ketchup song, and YMCA. Soul Ja boy lets us all know he ain't sexist, so he includes a track 'Soul Ja girl' in the same album. In conclusion, I must say that anyone who wears sunglasses with his name on the lens should be on this list.

Daddy Yankee - Gasolina
It's not rap. It's crap. One of the most annoying songs of the 21st century. Crap of course covers all the songs sung by the same people who did Gasolina, and alot more. A few months ago, if you hadn't to hear Gasolina atleast 6 times a day, you would seriously have to doubt the reality of your existence in a tangible world. Not to add, there are several versions of this crap. The kind of stuff you hear by people who wanna rap but can't speak English.

Britney Spears - Oops! I did it again
Just as an observation, the song's title backwards says "Niaga ti did I spoo", which speaks volumes. Of course, trust her to come out with more crap, to the future dismay of poor Sean Preston. And yea, she's stronger than yesterday. So what?

Lou Bega - Mambo no.5
The anthem of polygamy. The names of women mentioned in this song: Angela, Pamela, Sandra, Rita, Monica, Erica, Tina, Mary, Jessica. Lou Bega wants a little bit of each of them in his life. Unfortunately, commonsense and quality don't figure in his list.

Rednex - Cotton Eye Joe
To cut a long story short, Rednex has occupied the No.1 slot in Germany for more weeks than any other band in the last 25 years. This, my friend, tells of the sorry state of music today. In this 'song', one can hear harps, banjos, horrible lyrics, and even horses neighing. And the best part of it? Of course, the most horrible accent ever to be committed to tape.

Aqua - Barbie Girl
New marketing strategy. Take a childs toy, and turn it into a sexual fantasy. Kiss me here, touch me there. Interesting enough? Not quite. Set some lousy lyrics to an equally apalling tune and sell it to school kids who'll lap it up like they would hot pancakes. The song's worst line? When some 'rapper's' bassy voice says, "Come on Barbie, let's go party." If you've seen the video, ain't these people too old for this? Definitely, one of the worst things that happened in 1997.

Europe - The Final Countdown
The worst ever composition by this band, and after Adolf Hitler, the worst thing to have come from the continent. Andrea says, "You never know what to do when they play that song. You can't dance, can't sing, nothing." Well Andie, all you can do is wait for it to get over, which happens around 5 minutes after the coma-inducing beginning guitar lead commences.One more thing. Europe call themselves a 'glam metal' band. Go figure.

The Beatles - Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da
The chorus of the song goes"
"Obladi oblada life goes on bra
Lala how the life goes on
Obladi Oblada life goes on bra
Lala how the life goes on."

The writer of the Iliad and Odyssey (that would be Homer) would be inspired by these lyrics. With this song, the Beatles proved that they suck at two things. Laughing and Faking enjoyment. The unconvincing laughter in the final line says it all... "If you want some fun — heh-heh-heh-heh! — take ob-la-di-bla-da!”
Ok Beatles, thanks for your advice.

Meat Loaf - I would do anything for love
Lyrics excerpt:
"I would do anything for love, (but I won't do that)."
The song starts with the singer sounding constipated. The song is 12 minutes long, with every possible kind of arrangement jammed in. Pianos, choirs, duets, what not. The worst thing about the song is that it doesn't make much sense. Wouldn't do WHAT exactly, might I ask? Rock songs can be dumb, but not stupid.

Ricky Martin - She bangs
Lyrics excerpt:
"She looks like a flower but she stings like a bee/Like every girl in his-to-ry!” Hmmmm.

Andrea says, "The only sorta good thing that came outta this song was that American Idol dude's version of it. Did I say good thing ? My bad." Which, I guess, pretty much describes it. Meant as a follow up to a more illustrious song, 'La Vida Loca', it only proved that La Vida is not so Loca after all.

Billy Ray Cyrus - Achy Breaky Heart
Weird Al Yankovic says " Don't play that song, that Achy Breaky song, the most annoying song I know." I agree. Andrea doesn't. She actually likes this song. My friends, this is country, but country is not this. Surprisingly, the iconic Bruce Springsteen did a cover of this song. Of course, that doesn't make it good. Nothing can, and nothing will.

Britney Spears - Hit me baby one more time
Lyrics excerpt:
"I must confess (my loneliness) that my loneliness
(is killing me) is killing me now
(I must confess) dont you (I still believe) know I still believe
That you will be here (I lose my mind)
And give me a sign...
Hit me baby one more time!"

One of the most puke-inducing songs in history. If she sang that to me, I would oblige, and so would Andrea. Not just one more time though.

Myriad Artists - Seasons in the Sun
Andrea likes this song. I don't particularly hate it myself, but yes, it IS overplayed and oversung (or rather, over-attempted to be sung). Walk into any graduation/matriculation ceremony, and this is what you'll hear.

Michael Bolton - Can I Touch You There
Andrea says, "Hell No!! If some guy played this song for me, I’d get him arrested for sexual harassment!" This song should have been censored and banned. So gross!

Bryan Adams - The only thing that looks good on me is you
Andrea says, "No need to get anyone arrested for this song, a good hard punch should do the job."

Weird line: "There's only one thing that fits me like it should..." Hmmm. What's that, might I ask? And yes, when Bryan Adams tried doing sexy after a decade and a half of musical and lyrical celibacy, even his fans were surprised. There's one believable line in the song. "I don’t look good in no Armani suits” he sings, before suggesting he'd wear the song's protagonist instead. And what's more, this track is under no circumstances the weirdest song on the album. That award goes to a song called " (I wanna be) your underwear.

Eiffel 65 - Blue
"This is not a song", says Andrea. I agree. And so do you.

Crazy Frog - Axel F
Lyrics excerpt:
"A ring ding ding ding d-ding baa aramba baa baa barooumba
Wh-Wha-Whats going on-on
Ding ding
Lets do the crazy froogg
Ding ding
A Brem Brem
A ring ding ding ding ding
A Ring Ding Ding Dingdemgdemg
A ring ding ding ding ding
Ring ding
Baa-Baa"

More annoying than the song, actually, is the widely prevalent ringtone version. Yikes! Andie says, "If I see that frog I will kill it! ! Ok maybe I won’t". Oh my! Crazy Frog's confusion seems to have reached my dear friend as well. Isn't that reason enough to shoot down and obliterate the frog? Join the Anti-Frogger squad, NOW!

Paris Hilton - Stars are blind
The worst thing that happened in 2006. Thankfully, Paris seems to have given up her dreams of being a pop-star. Now we read that she's befriended the hapless Britney Spears. Advice to Britney! Now that you're no longer a girl, but a woman, keep Paris faaarrrr from the studios!
My cynicism in compensated by Andrea's views. "On the good side her music video is better than her other one *tsk tsk*"

Los Del Rio - Macarena

&

Del Tomato - Las Ketchuo

Two of the most annoying songs ever! A few years ago, everyone and anyone would be doing the Macarena and doin' that goofy Ketchup dance! I used to counter it with some good ole' Death Metal :D

Besides, everyone from infants to your grandfolks dance to it! Responsible for most of the suicidal ears!

Akon - Lonely
The child's voice in the beginning was cute, for about an hour when it was first aired on radio. After that? Not so! Even the rapper dude has a kinda squeaky voice that gives me a headache. That voice is very evident in 'Smack that', and it's not pleasant.That guy needs to realize that... Hmmm. Let it be. He's so damn repitative and annoying. What you guys who like Lonely need to realize is... Eh. Screw it. What kind of name of Akon anyway? It makes me think of acorns.

Backstreet Boys - Quit playing games with my heart
Just one of the many Backstreet Boys songs that never fail to annoy me! Listen closely, and you'll find that the beat is obviously a drumtrack/sample! Not to mention that the continous noise of the high-hats is soooo annoying!


Britney Spears - Not yet a woman
Lyrics excerpt:
"Im not a girl
Not yet a woman
All I need is time
A moment that is mine
While Im in between"

"This, of course was written when she was all virgin-esque", says Andrea. This song is not exactly bad, but is overplayed, hence qualifies as annoying!

Cheeky Girls - The Cheeky Song (Touch my bum)
The song goes like this:
"Ooh boys cheeky girls
Ooh girls cheeky boys
Ooh boys cheeky girls
Ooh girls cheeky boys
Ooh boys cheeky girls
Ooh girls cheeky boys
Ooh boys cheeky girls
Ooh girls cheeky boys

I never ever ask where do you go
I never ever ask what do you do
I never ever ask what’s in your mind
I never ever ask if you’ll be mine
Come and smile don’t be shy
Touch my bum this is life.

Oooooh

We are the cheeky girls
We are the cheeky girls
You are the cheeky boys
You are the cheeky boys
We are the cheeky girls
We are the cheeky girls
You are the cheeky boys
You are the cheeky boys"

I don't really need to say anything, do I? Most people in their senses will find this downright hilarious!


Black Eyed Peas - My Humps
Andrea says, "I thought Fergie was hot but then she goes and says something like this “I'ma get, get, get, get, you drunk, Get you love drunk off my hump.”
As for me, this is one of the few songs that leaves me speechless (no, not in awe!)

Rihanna - Umbrella
There is a Facebook group called, "Tell Rihanna to shove her umbrella up her ella ella ella." But you know what? Andrea actually likes this song! Kooy Kooy Andie!!!
From the album Good Girl Gone Bad, this is not just a good girl gone bad, but a bad girl gone horrendously bonkers. Come to think of it, why do these singers go around with just one name? eg. Shakira, Rihanna, Sting, Prince. First of all they suck, and then they don't even have a last name so you can find out where they live and hurl bombs through their windows! Rihanna's voice is terrible enough, but is worse in this ummm... 'song'.


No Doubt - Hey Baby
Three cheers to Gwen Stefani. First Hey Baby, then Hollaback Girl. Out of the two, Hey Baby definitely takes the cake. It has got most annoying chorus ever, with just two words alternately repeated again and again, like a broken record.


Vengaboys - Sex on the beach
When I say anything about Vengaboys, my blood pressure rises. So I'll shut up for now.

Have we missed out any? Please leave comments.

Global Media - Ownership and Control

The public's general lack of information that's crucial for proactive citizenship in a democratic setup can squarely be blamed on the current state of the media. What was once considered the 'fourth estate', the pillar of social change, has now degraded into a show of business, offering neither information nor entertainment, but a subtly lethal combination of both. The buzz word is infotainment. The media has now evolved into an ingenious multi-edged weapon that functions as nothing more than a public relations agency for wealthy and powerful multinational corporations, as well as politics and the administration. It's no longer a secret that the Fourth Estate is being selfishly utilized (thus destroying it's intended purpose) as a medium of suppression of what is intelligently perceived to be the truth, not to mention the explosion of self-interested propoganda. Unfortunately, this propaganda is psychological, and thus barely seen at face value.

Filled with twisted facts and a chaotic misrepresentation of reality, the media is now a business strategy. Widely used since it appeals to emotions rather than mere thoughts, we see people now obsessed with security, personal and community safety, terrorism, germs and whatever other abominations they're 'instructed' to feel strongly about. Hence, most people are now willing to trade a little of their freedom and personal liberty for that feeling, that 'illusion' of security. What we now have is a completely neurotic diaspora, obsessed with this, that and everything, which unfortunately could trigger various forms of mental insecurities, as well as forcefully indoctrinated views of the legitimacy of power-weilding autocrats.

The great American comedian George Carlin once remarked, 'Language, by and large, is a tool for concealing the truth'. While he might have intended it not as a joke but as an ironic musing, he receives powerful backing from Canadian author Jules Carlysle, who said "We are so cleverly manipulated and influenced by the media and establishments on both the right and left, that the truth has become hopelessly lost in semantics." While we might or might not agree word-to-word with what these influential minds think, we have to admit that what we watch, see, and hear is not what is really happening, but what the upper 1% want us to think is really happening.

In a recently concluded seminar on the Impact of Convergence Technology, which I happened to attend, Voice of America's South Asia Chief Mr. Steve Herman compared the dearth of relevant news to a transportation system devoid of vehicles. While that maybe a contradiction to the argument presented above, considering that VOA is a wing of the United Stated federal Govt, his statement bears significance while we're discussing control of the global media. The message he intended to convey can be interpreted as, although we have such a system of communication in place, which can be used for social reformation, something is lacking, and it's glaringly evident. It is indeed shocking to notice that the media influence on the public has reached such a limit that the public are no longer capable of independent critical thinking.

In addition to some of the ideas outlined above, we seem to be witnessing a paradigm shift in the organization of the mass media, not only in the developed nations but all around the world. This structural shift is bound to have major implications on the international social and political scenarios in the twenty-first century. We see, rather than independent networks of news agencies, a global media corporation has now emerged. While the defining term might be grossly inaccurate, we have seen the birth of a 'Global Media', which has emerged through global communication networks, science and technological advancements in relevant fields.

A prominent example of what we're discussing is News Corporation, founded by Rupert Murdoch. When I googled the words 'news corporation' the first search results bore this description. "News Corporation is a diversified entertainment company with operations in eight industry segments, including Filmed Entertainment; Television; Cable Network Programming; Direct Broadcast Satellite Television; Magazines and Inserts; Newspapers; Book Publishing, and Other." Interestingly, all these eight segments, come under the category of 'News'. Need I say a word more? I cited the example of Voice of America above. Their catch-phrase is "A trusted source of News and Information." It is a Government-controlled source of News.

Is this emerging phenomenon prevalent only on the international level? Let's analyze. The term 'global' could take a backseat as I mention our very own Goan Newspaper, the Navhind Times, self-proclaimedly 'The Newspaper you can trust'. This newspaper is owned by Goa's biggest corporate house, The Dempos. We can evidently and clearly see that this is a trend that's hear to stay. Coming back to Global, two more large media corporations are Viacom and Vivendi International. The size and ownership extents of Rupert Murdoch's media interests, though humongous, are not in the scope of this report.

Rupert Murdoch is not the only one. The term 'Media Consolidation' has recently come to light.' A brief explanation would be that the 'majority of the media outlets are owned by a small number of conglomerates and corporations'. Parent companies often merge their respective existing wings to have a larger audience under a single corporate umbrella. It would be fitting to mention a few examples here. Wikipedia says "The music and television industries recently witnessed cases of media consolidation, with Sony Music Entertainment's parent company merging their music division with Bertelsmann AG's BMG to form Sony BMG and TimeWarner's The WB and CBS Corp.'s UPN merging to form The CW. In the case of Sony BMG, there existed a "Big Five" (now "Big Four") of major record companies, while The CW's creation was an attempt to consolidate ratings and stand up to the "Big Four" of American network (terrestrial) television."

Large media conglomerates include Disney, National Amusements, Time Warner, Viacom, News Corp, Bertelsmann AG, Sony, General Electric, Vivendi SA and Lagardère Group. Movie production has been wholly controlled by a handful of companies since the beginning of the 20th Century. So has music and telefilm production, for the most part. Though corporates inadvertantly look at consolidation as a boon, it cannot definitely be said so for the general public. It is often seen as a problem for contemporary society. If media controls are concentrated with a few powerful corporations, a number of undesirable consequences would follow, the most obvious being there being an inadequacy of diverse voices and opinions in the media. Would these corporate giants broadcast stuff that's true, but is damaging to the reputation of its advertisers and other sources of revenue? For example, in 1997, the Fox affiliate in Tampa, Florida fired two reporters and suppressed a story they had produced about one of the Fox network's major advertisers, Monsanto, concerning the health effects of Bovine Growth Hormone (BGH). Fox took action after Monsanto threatened to sue over the story (Credit: Wikipedia).

To take another perspective, if the corporations dominating the media choose to suppress the stories that do not serve their interest, the public will obviously suffer, especially in cases where the issue is crucial to public reason and opinion. The question arises, if the mainstream media do not air this, who will?

In conclusion, whether we accept it or not, the Fourth estate is slowly losing its independance, an essential quality on which its very concept was initiated. Instances of Media consolidation and corporate ownerships may have been isolated in the past, but are now rampant and in future will be the norm. Not just corporations and private interests, but administrations too will soon use the media as a tool to suppress an incalcitrant population. The FCC (Federal Communications Commission) in the USA and its corresponding organizations round the world are controlling and will continue to stifle the media. In this game, the battle for our minds, the winners are the multi-billion corporations and governments. The losers? Guess who.

Seminar on Convergent Technology - Day-2 Report

The two-day seminar on 'Convergence Technology and its impact on media' concluded at St.Xavier's College, Mapusa yesterday. Several mediapersons and contemporary academics presented their views of the media's rapidly changing role. The Chief Guest for the day was Ireland based film-director, Dr.Savio Sequeira. In the first session, a discussion on digital media and film-making moderated by Mr.Jonathan Josenhans, Dr.Sequeira presented a paper on The Impact of Digital Technology on Commercial and Independant Film Making. In his presentation, he compared the classic 35 mm film and the more modern digital film, stressing that ultimately what matters the most is what the audience perceives. He also outlined the technical differences between the two widely used film media.

He also analogized the transition of film media to the Vinyl-to-CD transition. Dr.Sequeira stressed that it is imperative that digital technology is employed as a means rather than the end. Mr.Samvarta, lecturer, MIC Manipal presented a paper on technology vs content, stressing that the language of cinema suggests how a film is perceived. Another MIC lecturer, Mr.Raviraj, presented a paper on gaming and virtual reality, concluding that it's becoming increasingly harder to differentiate between what is real and virtual.

Following the discussion was an animation session, conducted by Mr.Nachiket Wagh and Mr.Guru Vaidya, both of the Aditya Group, Mumbai. While Mr.Wagh gave a presentation of 3D-animation, he also briefed students on the Indian scenario and outsourcing trends. Mr.Vaidya conducted a live Maya demonstration which was well received by students.

A session on New Vistas in Broadcast technology was also held. The discussion was moderated by Ms.Clarinda Dias, lecturer, Dhempe's. KUNA Special Correspondent, Mr.Dipanjan Roy gave a brief overview of television. Ms.Sudha M.Philip, lecturer from WCC, Chennai gave a talk on the 'Breaking News effect in TV'.

Voice of America's South Asia Bureau Chief, Mr.Steve Herman spoke to budding journalists on what it is to be a reporter today. He maintained that technology has changed media completely, thus blurring the lines between the different media. He also warned students that in today's world of break-neck competition, careers can be made or broken in a matter of seconds. Taking a different perspective, Mr.Herman also said that the internet was a godsend in nations without free speech, where you could inform the world of inside happenings.

Gloria Khamkar, lecturer, Pune University, spoke about community radio. She asserted that alternative media is imperative in a world where not everyone has a right to express themselves. The last speaker for the day was Radio Indigo chief, Mr.Jeffrey Manual, who briefly traced the history of radio, providing a humorous insight into its changing stature. In response to a question, he also spoke about the avenues in the radio industry.

Ms.Elaine Andrade briefed the audience on the St.Xavier's community radio, and its plans for the future. The seminar ended with the valedictory function in which Prof.Newman, Principal, St.Xavier's College, shared the dais with organizers, Ms.Amita Fjeld and Ms.Vailarose Fernandes. Prof.Newman formally thanked the dignitaries, and provided a word of encouragement to the budding journalists present. Mr.Nikhil Pereira compered and Ms.Conchita Proence proposed the vote of thanks.

Seminar on Convergent Technology - Day-1 Report

St.Xavier's College, Mapusa today kicked off its two-day seminar on Convergence Technology and its impact on media. The well-attended seminar saw speakers from diverse cultures and backgrounds present their views on the changing role of media today. The Chief Guest for the day was the President of St.Bernard University, Sao Paulo. Dr.Marcio Moraes, in his address, spoke about the progress in the communication industry, emphasizing on the digital revolution and its consequences.

The Keynote address was delivered by the South Asia Bureau Chief, Voice of America, Mr.Steve Burman. In his speech, he asserted that the issue of convergence technology and its impact on media is not a new one, but one that has been debated for almost a century. He cited examples of the telegraph and telephone, the inventions were also met with widespread skepticism by those with vested interests. He asserted that, in the new age of media, Content is King. Quality and quantity is vital for all fields.

He also said that in a fast world, delivering the goods in a timely fashion is imperative. He also commented on India's obsession with Bollywood and cricket, and noted that entertainment-based news is now prevalent, rather than that with political and social significance. He also compared the dearth of relevant news to a transportation system devoid of vehicles.

Following the keynote was a discussion on Digital technology in Journalism, moderated by GT editor, Mr.Derek Almeida. First to speak was Rediff editor, Mr.Prem Paniker. He maintained that convergence is a fact of life for journalists, and knowledge of the operation of relevant technology is essential. He also said to students that it is no longer enough just to report something, but find the best medium for doing so. He reiterated that a journalist has to work in multiple media , thus pushing the culture of divergence towards convergence. He also spoke about tactical journalism, where ties are forged with other media channels, for information sharing.

Ms.MS Sapna, lecturer, Mysore University, spoke about journalism as a medium for social change. She also spoke about the future of journalism and the scope and oppurtunites it would offer. Dipanjan Roy, Special Correspondent with KUNA said that journalists with multiple skills are highly valued in the industry.

The last session of the day was a discussion 'Lost in MySpace', moderated by Sunaparant chief, Mr. Sandesh Prabhudessai. Techie and cyber-journalism veteran Frederick Noronha presented a paper on Possibilities and Perils of the new media. In a well received address, he highlighted the importance of mailing lists as a medium to have ones views aired. He also explained the advantages on internet groups to the transferrance of knowledge from practitioners to people in the field. Sunil Bhadri, Lecturer at MIC, Manipal, also presented a paper on Public sphere and democracy in the age of the World wide web. Jagdish Kumar of TV Australia shared his experiences in the media as a journalist, and the last speaker was Mr.Oystien Krogsrud, freelance business journalist for the Economic Times, Norway's leading financial newspaper. He stressed that with the advent of the web, all info is available for everyone at a cost which is highly affordable to the middle class, and cited an example of a Swedish minister having to resign after a blogger exposed him. He also spoke about how the internet threatens revenues of newspapers, and said that the era of privacy is coming to an end, and there are potential paparazzi everywhere. Nikhil Pereira was the compere and Ms.Amita Fjeld proposed the vote of thanks.

Scenes from a memory. The Christmas Spirit carries on...

A few years ago, most people would avoid going to the erstwhile Holy Family Chapel, many of them preferring the more flamboyant service at Don Bosco's, Panaji. Even today, we see many people ditching their parishes and flocking to these high-profile services, services that are amazing worship sessions, but attended by people attired more suitably for a fashion show than a Church. Few of the other places that are included in this category include Loyola's, Margao, and Raj Bhavan, Dona Paula. Don't get me wrong here. I love Loyola's and Don Bosco's, but detest the pseudo-spiritual approach that's rampant among people, and especially evident during the ramp-walk to receive what Catholics consider the Body of Christ. (Well, sometimes to illustrate a point, you have to generalize)

Considering the fact that I've finally managed to make acquaintance with a few of my fellow-Porvorim-ites, many of whom I (mistakenly) previously considered snobs, I ditched the usual Midnight service at the Holy Cross Chapel opposite my house for that at the newly elevated Church to which my Chapel is affiliated. My initial thought was to merely take a moonlit exterior overview of the Holy Family Church. I've been playing the outstanding catholic for years, not necessarily at midnight but at more convenient times of the day as well. Having left the house at 10:28pm, it took 3 minutes to complete the drive to Church. As I reached, I found myself bound by logic to enter, influenced maybe by the rare fact that I was well in time, or maybe subtle fear that I may be baked alive, not an unlikely possibility, taking into account my dark blue shirt, my black suit, as well as Global warming.

The Holy Family Church was well-illuminated and the newly asphalted parking lot was actually kinda bright. Justifiably so, because what could be worse than car-crashes inside the compound of the House of God on Christmas day? The corridors outside the Church were lined with Stars, walking past them being a nightmarish experience, strangely unfamiliar to my unobservant eyes. The Shephard was waiting outside as the flock came in, one by one, greeting and welcoming them. When I entered the great sanctuary, it was brightly lit, with the smiles of parishioners shining brighter than the electric lights above them. At 10:37pm, the Church was almost full, not unexpectedly, considering a quarter of the Church was 'reserved'.

The youth choir was barely setting up, with random sounds of 'check, check' emanating from the speakers, as well as choir members walking hurriedly around, obviously either busy or harrowed after a long day of work and preparation. But all apprehensive thoughts flew out of the open windows when I saw Jazz gurus Braz Gonsalves and Mr.President Savio Martires lined up on the Saxophone and Keyboard respectively, preparing to take Christmas for a long jazzy ride. And indeed when the, "Spiritual preparation to usher in the Birth of our Savior", started,all those who were previously sleepy seemed to jerk out of their dreamy trance and stared at the choir with attention that's normally associated with people taking a math exam.

The whole concept of 'Spiritual preparation' was a well-thought-out one indeed, with Blossom Rodrigues doing the compering, and doing it well, might I add.. The choir kicked off their hypnotic performance with the timeless carol, Do you see what I see. It was a memorable pre-mass service with the obviously well-trained choir dishing out hit after hit, all of them exceptionally well presented, voices and instruments in close-to-perfect harmony. The choral performance was only suspended for 5 minutes when Sonia Saigal sang a solo, taking the congregation by storm. (I've forgotten the name of the song). As the 'Spiritual preparation' proceeded, the voices in the choir just got better and better, with the perfect synchronization by the masters on keyboard and saxophone respectively only adding to the joy of the Season.

I guess enough of wordplay now. Straight to the point. The choir was sensational, and their focussed performance for almost 2 hours was nothing short of spellbinding. Personally, this is the best youth choir I've ever heard. Three cheers to Savio, Uncle Braz, Sergio, Sylvester, Joanne, Juanita, Genevieve, Louella, Vian, Gwyn, Irwin, Louis, Ryan, Russel, Raisa, Nadia and the others whose names I don't know/have forgotten. Seven priests con-celebrated the mass, 6 clad with gold and 1 with Silver. The pulpit was supplied by Fr.Tony Lopez, Superior General of the Pilar Fathers, who delivered a fiery and spirited homily about the superficial preparations for Christmas we all are used to. He focussed on the need for us to get the real picture, and subtly put across the pertinent question whether do we know or not whom Christmas is all about. He spoke at length about and almost questioned the significance of decorations, sweets and dances, if our personal spiritual preparations are not in place. Offertory was fairly strange, with the items that were offered ranging right from Stars to Christmas sweets. A woolen shawl was also offered, and the announcer said, "On this cold December night....." An inconvenient truth is that December is no longer as cold as it used to be. Don't believe me? Ask Al Gore. Or Dr.Rajendra Pachauri.

Communinion took a reasonably long time, considering the fact that the congregation was a microcosm of the population in India.

Suddenly, the lights were failing. There was a procession. It was getting dark. There were eerie chords being played. It was getting dark. There was incense. It was getting darker. There were many more candles than we normally saw at church. Light failed. Darkness reigned. A line of people walked in, holding the candles. At first they looked like members of the Bohemian club, but turned out to be members of the Parish Youth, and a few others who joined the candlelight ceremony. They went and stood at the altar, with the candles, as the Saxophonist played the introduction of my all time favorite carol, O Holy Night. The introduction gave way to a duet by Sergio and Sylvester. Soon, a third voice joined the harmony. Don't really know who sang what part since 12 candles seemed insufficient to see what was happening. The song was beautifully done. The stars were, indeed, brightly shining.

Then the lights came on again.

Before the final blessing, the Parish Priest came up and thanked all the people who helped in making this mass a success. And he also advised the congregation to fellowship with one another before going home. Some Cafes sponsored the coffee and cake. A politician sponsored the crib, which made me think of the irony.

The choir concluded the mass by singing Joy to the World. That was the end of one of the best Midnight services I have been for .

After mass, there was chaos. The chaos that is inevitable when around a thousand people decide to wish one another simultaneously! Oh the probabilities involved would be a mathematicians delight.

Everyone hung around for a bit, although whether that was voluntary or they were just following Fr.Anand's instructions, I do not know :-)

Then I went home...

Disclaimer: This is just a personal account of the midnight service. If there are any discrepancies, they are unintentional. If you have differences with my opinions, it's ok, because the Consitution guarantees my freedom of expression, and your freedom of thought and speech. Merry Christmas everyone. Another disclaimer: I have nothing against Don Bosco's and Loyola's. Many priests from those societies are indeed the best preachers. My only grudge is the kinda people that frequent those places. But then, I guess Jesus died for all. Have a blessed and Christ-filled CHRIST-mas, and if you read this after the 25th, Compliments of the Season.